Here’s a brief summary of what I’ve learned so far since moving out here, but not necessarily as a result of moving here.
1. Nothing can lift a mustard stain from carpet, nothing. Even switching to the abstract “strongest forces in the universe,” like love and prayer, won’t work.
2. Cardinal Tetras are $3.50 each, but die for nothing.
3. Science fiction movies of the ’80s and ’90s were very optimistic when considering the technological advances possible in a short amount of time. Twelve Monkeys has time travel possible within my generation, the Terminator movies are simply out of whack, and Blade Runner takes place in 2019. We’ve got 11 years to develop perfect androids, flying vehicles, and off-planet colonization. Good news, computer screens can go back to monochrome block ASCII text readouts.
3.1. “You’re looking through a magazine and see a full-page picture of a nude woman” will be a syntactically valid question in 2019.
4. SEPTA trolleys run on a schedule. Theoretically.
5. The chili-cheese burrito is not only absent from the menu at Taco Bell in Philadelphia, but apparently is the go-word for a mental breakdown in certain employees.
6. Going into a country with armed forces to do something said country is unable or unwilling to do is not invasion. Thanks for clearing that up, Obama.
7. You can completely flame your political opponent for suggesting the Vice-President has a legislative role in government, then spend the entire rest of the debate talking about how your legislative experience makes you better qualified than her executive experience, and make endless legislative promises and no one will raise the obvious question. ’Sup, Biden.
8. A controversial voting record can be cast aside with the phrase, “no I didn’t.” Even if the official government records say you did.
9. The people that come up with the story arcs for Heroes appear to be out-of-work Haiku writers, as that’s the extent of the plot depth.